Happily ever after

I equate watching princess movies with my daughter to rubbernecking at the scene of a horrible car accident. I cannot seem to avert my eyes once I reach the intersection even as I vowed to respect the tragedy and not look. I am nearly positive these sorts of fantastical happily ever after stories will bear significant weight in warping her idea of happiness, marriage and everything in life that one expects to work out pleasantly. Despite my feminism and everything I know about gender, sex roles and society, I can't help but watch clear to the end as the girl marries the beast-turned prince and a kingdom is saved, once again. I continue to believe in a sort of magic couplehood that I have yet to experience and on some level realize may not exist, anywhere. This I get, I do. I understand that marriage is nothing like the stories, that if a couple if blissfully happy, they are not telling the whole truth and that life is messy, stinky and runs damn close to insanity at times. I never expected this for myself, just allowed myself the possibility of an attempt. I am trying to free myself up emotionally this week by giving up on a few possibilities. I am giving up on a love that will not ever become magical and real at the same time. I am giving up on the active search for love, or at least for that next romance. I am tired of the games of dating, the rules of engagement. It sucks to live a life tempered with convention and appropriateness, this is something I despise. I am closing the chapter of back and forth e-mail banter that is online dating. My words quickly betray me and I am no longer waiting for a response, for acknowledgement of an interested party. I cannot stand another fake relationship like the one I encountered recently, where the ground appears to be directly beneath my feet but on closer examination I am standing in a black hole.