Saturday, December 26, 2009

forgive and forget

I have been thinking of forgiveness. I told a friend lately that I had forgiven my ex-husband for everything he had done, even though I haven't actually told him this personally. As soon as I spoke the words out loud I felt a sense of release, a rush of sorts, that I have this power within me to let it all go. Later I wondered if I really had forgiven him for everything, and if so, what does this actually mean? Could I still allow myself a good silent cry at night at the thought of being single once again? Am I still allowed to be angry with him once in a while when I feel overwhelmed and burdened by single parenthood? Can I forgive AND forget? Not likely, well not without a little self-induced amnesia. I feel like I have the capacity to forgive but without truly forgetting, the emotion stirs just under the surface waiting for the slightest fissure in the foundation of my sanity to tunnel, split and reveal my inner everything. I am not sure I can forget, therefore I am not sure I will forgive. I desire the release of forgiveness, the freedom and the energy it will free up in my body. I want more than anything to feel a sense of relief from this burden I carry around during the day, and the pain I nurse during the night. I long to be rid of this sense of hatred and frustration, I long for peace. There is a quote that inspires me to look further into this forgiveness bit, it goes like this: "Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart". I understand that there will always be people that hurt me, piss me off, inflict damage, but I long for peace, I long to move through it all and forgive. I long for release from these goddamn humanoid inconveniences: jealousy, hurt, rejection, anger. I forgive you for all of it. I forgive but will not forget. I will take these moments and stitch them to my faded jeans. Patches to cover the holes, piece the wreck back together, give rise to a new texture. I will forgive you for tearing my favorite jeans, I will not forget that you borrowed them without asking me first.

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