Food porn

I want to return to the idea of food as pleasure. To the reality of a slow cooked, well planned meal that is joyful, memorable and lasts longer than two minutes. This goes out the window to some extent when one procreates. I continue to whip up a semi-gourmet meal from time to time. People complain, pick at the green beans and garlic, whine for something much less inferior than what has been offered. For me, the new porn is food. Real food. Food that takes ten times as long to create as it takes consume. Linger in front of the saucepan a little, bend over and feel the steam warm your skin. Julienne the carrots, purree the sauce, press the garlic firm and grind the peppercorns into dust. Butter caresses the warm bread, sinking deep into its thickness. Cream accompanies the sauce like a gentle wisp of a satin strap. Flavor explodes into my mouth like your kisses in the early years. Savory is my lover tonight, sweetness holds the door.

Mirror money

This evening my friend thanked me for my strength and beauty, for loving myself so much. We spoke of mirrors and self and the power to visualize the reflection as nothing less than greatness, beauty and peace. Today was not one of those days, but her words made me think about the currency of those moments. Last night I danced until three o'clock in the morning. I was beautiful, rhythmic, and enormously fun. Last night. Those few hours of feeling amazing should theoretically take me into today, should earn me enough dividends to sustain this current lapse into poverty. Most days I am able to find the strength to talk back and gaze forward beyond the imperfections. I insist on reveling in my uniqueness, my loveliness, my perfect core. I am drawn to your fire, she said, your realness. As you may already know by now, one of my favorite topics is what is real? Today, this is what real is to me: real is knowing you love me, warming myself with the realness of your words. Realness is remembering that you thought of me before you climbed out of bed this morning as I thought of you before I drifted to sleep. Realness is listening to a song over and over again because it reminds me of our beauty. "Once you are real, you can't be ugly, except to people that don't understand". -Velveteen Rabbit. I never thought loving myself this much would be such hard work. It is work. The job requires moments of inordinate strength as I resist the damage, love the imperfections and move forward. Some days I am flat broke, other days my realness sustains me through another meal.

hold fast to the dream

Hold fast to the dream
for when I wake up
you will be gone
the impression from your head
rebounds then disappears.
Everything you did to me
in my sleep
lingers like a smoke plume
until I blow you away.

Walk a mile

Today I walked in someone else's shoes. It was a brief moment. I caught my breath as I stopped to pull the car over to the side of the road and hold the weight in my chest. During this traffic stop I suddenly understood that my poetry was breaking apart the nuts and bolts of something bigger than me, bigger than the weekend plans I had made, bigger than my own needs. I finally understood what my brain had been trying to tell my heart all these months. The lines that connect my desire to my fortitude tangled, tripped my stride and I slowed to a stop. Today. I noticed someone else from the bleachers of this game we have been playing. She looked me straight in the eyes and shook her fist.

Chance meeting

As one relationship wraps up today I am starting to think about another. I am skeptical, yet hopeful. I am tired, yet waking up. I am hurt, but know my body will heal itself. I look for another chance meeting, a glance that might have some meat behind it, a conversation that could lead me in another direction. I am a lukewarm believer in the possibilities of online dating. It could work, it has worked to a degree for me in the past. But it is very strange. It is mass marketing yourself to a geographical swath of people who are also mass marketing themselves to you. What is it I want strangers to know about me? I am brave, but still afraid, I am funny unless I am sad. I am committed unless I find someone else, I am adventurous unless I chicken out at the last minute. I am bold, unless that offends you, I am sexy unless your rejection makes me feel ugly, I am safe unless you make me feel vulnerable. I am alone, unless you give me enough of your love tonight, I am unable to move forward with you, and cannot imagine moving back. I am done.