50/50

I am currently negotiating the fine line between offering myself and losing myself. It probably isn't a very brilliant topic to blog about but seems to be occupying my brain today. Which really is the larger point of this blog. I tend to have things circulate around my head repeatedly and love the opportunity for release. For the three of you that may occasionally read this blog, I thank you for understanding that my blog is merely one more way to help me move through this life with more substantial, meaningful strokes. The title of my blog translates into "where are you taking me?" Well, I really have no clue, but I am certain there is pleasure to be found there.

So back to being torn between giving parts of myself, my time, my love, my stuff and the expectations that come with receiving others. I don't think this is a very unique dilemma, in fact when you trim the leafy greens off our days, scrub, peel and boil it all down, what you end up with, I believe, is often a batch of 50/50. What am I getting out of this experience? If I do this for you, what will you do for me? Where is my share? The collective desire in general seems to be for life to shake out into equitable portions. Every day breathes moments when I am capable of giving more than I am handed back, or conversely, feeling guilt for taking more than my share. I want to love someone because I find them to be an irresistible human; beautiful, humorous, graceful and damn brilliant at times, not how they may love me back. I want to give someone my time because I can and not in turn mapping out the moment their time becomes mine. It seems impossible to expect a fistful of nothing after handing over jewels. It seems equally impossible to exist in a place where deals are constantly being made between lovers, spouses, roommates or family. Life leads toward a sense of division and vapidness when contracts must be re-negotiated for the cleaning of a toilet, scheduled moments of intimacy, grocery store receipts that are inked up and circled with arrows pointing out MY lettuce and YOUR cheese, or child rearing that is up to me today, you tomorrow. What happens to a sense of community when we go 50/50? We seem to be pulled toward opposite ends of the relationship, like during the third phase of mitosis when the daughter chromosomes are pulled toward polar opposite sides, nearly reaching the completion of a cell dividing. In healthy tissue, the rate of cell division needs to match the rate of cell destruction. I am aware that a balance must be struck between giving and saving, with separation as a motivation for growth. I get that, but I am not always able to define that moment when I tip the balance in favor of loss over gain, when more of my cells are dying than dividing. It really comes down to the moment when I should have said no instead of nothing. I am beginning to understand lately that saying no does not necessarily negate the success of your community. I understand I have the option to pocket the jewels and dance alone.